Summer Hockey is in it’s final few weeks. Some teams are still battling in their quest for the cup. Some teams are sitting at home counting down the days until the next season starts. Some teams are even starting up their winter season right now. Lastly, there are the beer league beauties who are putting in practice every day to ensure that their team wins the cup this season or next. For those beauties, we have created the Beer League Awards! These are the 9 awards that should be given out in every beer league around the world!
9. The Gordie Howe “Mr. Hockey” Award
We all know Mr Hockey. It’s with great honor (and a no brainer) that we get to name a beer league award after the late great Gordie Howe. Howe was an outstanding player. He holds the record for the oldest player to play in the NHL at 52 years and 11 days… and if you’re wondering, he was still 10 times the player at 52 as you are now. The great thing about beer league is that most of us don’t know when it’s time to stop playing. Let’s face it: we will play through injuries. We won’t miss the big games for our daughter’s dance recitals or lil Tommy’s first little league game, we sure as hell aren’t going to let a pissy little number – you know like the year we were born or even our blood pressure – tell us we can’t hit the ice. It’s pretty self explanatory on who gets this award. This award goes to the oldest person who played in your league this season (Official Beerleaguetalk.com ruling: yes this can be awarded posthumously for the warrior that didn’t make it through the full season).
8. The Glenn Hall “Mr. Goalie” Award
Mr. Goalie was a freak of nature. These types of goalies don’t come along every day. Glenn Hall played an NHL record 502 consecutive games between the pipes… and most of those games were without a goalie mask! Beer league teams are lucky to have the same goalie between the pipes in consecutive weeks. This award goes to the goalie that plays the most consecutive games for a single team in a season. If more than one goalie qualifies, give it to the goalie that pays his own league fees!
7. Ringer of the Year
5GP – 18G 1A 19P. This is usually what the stat line looks like for ‘Ringer Award’. You should give this guy a nice trophy and a one way ticket to a higher division. Seriously how are you going to win “The Sam Pollock” Award if every team knows you’re the dickbag GM that keeps bringing guys like this to the beginner division games? PS If you don’t see a stat line this gaudy.. Ringer of the year usually looks like this:
6. The Westy
The Westy is the most prestigious award in beer league hockey, The Westy is an annual award given to the best beer league hockey team in the world. Simply winning all your games doesn’t make you the best! There are many things that go into winning The Westy: You have to have great teammates, awesome camaraderie, cool uniforms, and most of all play the game the right way. Think your team is Westy worthy? Enter here! It comes with a title and $8,000 in brand new hockey gear!
5. Mr. Pays on Time
The GMs best friend. This is the guy that pays as soon as fees are due and you never have to worry about tracking this guy down to get his money. These guys are a hot commodity in the beer league in a world where procrastination is everywhere (except when it comes to chugging beer).
4. The Burnsie Award
The best facial hair. This one is pretty easy, and every league has that guy.
3. The Seasoned Sub
Every team has one. You know who we are talking about. He knows how to play the game (and we aren’t talking about on the ice). Every year he says he can’t commit to the team because of ::insert some lame excuse here:: but every game day he will text you using a line resembling “hey just checking to make sure you have enough skaters. I know how much it sucks to play with a short bench.” It never fails that this player racks up 90% of the team’s games played and usually it’s for more than one team. We are still working on what the physical award for this player should like but it should definitely have an invoice for the past year’s team fees attached to it! The crew from Beer League Talk have mentioned this guy more than once on the podcast.
2. The Stinkbag
Have you ever sat down in the locker room, popped open a cold one, started the pre-game ritual of telling the boys how close you were to wheeling a chick at the bar last night, have a rancid stench hits you mid chug and you almost vomit like the chick in the exorcist? If so, then you have a guy who deserves ‘The StinkBag’. This is the guy whose away jersey is yellow when it’s supposed to be white. The guy who always seems to have a couple spots to sit on both sides around him. The ‘StinkBag’ isn’t just about the bag you carry your gear in either. We’re guessing that this guy’s girlfriend probably has a nose plug on when she goes downtown to wash this guy’s bag. Sorry bud, but it’s time you knew: YOU STINK!
1. The Sam Pollock Best GM Award
Let’s be real here – this guy does not get enough credit. He has to put up with all us other idiots on the team that stink up the dressing room, that don’t pay our fees on time, and that bail on a game last minute so that he has to call up those damn ringers. We thought once we moved out on our own that we wouldn’t have to be babied anymore, but I am sure that our GMs would disagree. Unlike the great Sam Pollock, your GM doesn’t have to worry about trading and drafting, but his job is probably a lot harder. This award goes to the guy that puts up with the most of our shit… But it might end up being a tie for every GM in every league ever. If you have an awesome GM give him a hand. Let him know you want new jerseys and Beer League Talk wants to sponsor them.
July 2, 2018