NHL Free Agency 2016: Companies Exploring Stamkos-esque Marketing Contracts
Earlier this week it was reported that the Toronto Maple Leafs would be offering a $3.5 million contract with Canadian Tire in addition to the $10 million he would make for playing for the team. This has inspired many companies to explore offering other players marketing contracts to vie for their special talents.
Phil Kessel – McDonald’s
Phil Kessel has been known to eat as many as 14-15 cheeseburgers a day at McDonald’s so this is an obvious choice for McDonald’s to sign Phil the Thrill. It is unknown as to whether he signed the contract they offered him, or if he ate it on the spot.
Ilya Bryzgalov – NASA
Can’t wait for this guy to be back in hockey! pic.twitter.com/E8pmj6MvTI
— Beer League Talk (@BeerLeagueTalk) July 1, 2016
As soon as NASA heard about what Canadian Tire did, they gave Bryzgalov a call. “This is a humongous big opportunity for us at NASA,” said NASA President Charles Bolden. “We have never seen an athlete who has such an interest in space. We believe he can really help us get to new heights in space discovery.” Ryan Getzlaf – Rogaine Bald since the age of 9, Ryan Getzlaf knows a thing or two about hair loss. And even though Rogaine doesn’t work for him (nothing does – he has tried everything, even using Brent Burns’ Beard Serum™), he is a natural choice to show the effects of balding. He is still waiting for a remedy that will work for him, so maybe by the time Bryzgalov makes it to space, Getzlaf will have luscious Burns-like flow.
Patrick Kane – Uber Patrick Kane has always been a huge supporter of Uber ever since the company started its operations in Chicago in 2011… Or was it because that Cabbie tried to make him pay cab fare? Either way, since Checker Cabs wasn’t offering a contract, Uber was the natural choice for Kane.
Brent Burns – Dollar Shave Club
Tag a teammate that needs to take some style tips from Mr. Burns! 😂🔥🍻 #hockey #beerleague #beerleagues #puck #hockeyplayer A photo posted by Beer League Talk (@beerleaguetalk) on
This may come as a surprise, but Brent Burns is one of Dollar Shave Club’s top customers. Contrary to popular belief, Burns actually shaves every day – sometimes as much as 3 times a day – just to keep his beard under control. In fact, Burns has 12 memberships to Dollar Shave Club because of all of the razors he requires. “We don’t know how he does it,” said founder Michael Dubin, “but if he laid off the Beard Serum, it would probably help. We’re not complaining though.”
Jarret Stoll – Tourism Columbia or Coca Cola
Jarret Stoll actually has two companies currently battling it out for his marketing services. Columbia Tourism and Coca Cola are both extremely interested in having Jarret Stoll represent them, but to be completely honest we aren’t exactly sure why…or are we?
Dustin Penner – Aunt Jemima
Even though Penner and Aunt Jemima have had their issues, they are working together to repair their relationship. She claims that she will never hurt him again, and while we question if we believe that, he can just never get enough pancakes so there is no doubt that they will find a way to work out a deal.
Do you know of any other players that would be a good fit for a Stamkos-esque marketing contract? Let’s us know in the comments or tweet us!