I'm done with you psychos

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I’m done.

I’m done with you goalies acting like being weird is a badge of honor. Like it’s normal or acceptable for you to be a socially awkward dope who has weird tics. Somehow you think your position on the ice entitles you to act like Buffa-fucking-lo Bill wearing overstuffed pillows and helmet painted by a 7-year-old on PCP “it puts the snow on the post or it gets the hose.”

I’ve heard all the arguments too. “Oh, you have to be weird to take shots to the face all day.” You know who else takes shots to the face all day? Porn stars, and relatively speaking, they seem pretty ok so what’s your fucking deal?

And you act like you’re so fucking special. I spent $7,000 dollars on all this equipment instead of learning to be a well-adjusted adult so you should cater to my eccentricities. Nope. Not doing it anymore. You know why?

You’re entirely replaceable. 

And guess what – the shooter tutor pays exactly the same amount for the season as you do, and will still probably have a higher save%. Not to mention it won’t take up half the fucking bench in the locker-room while drinking Michelob Ultra and asking what kind of deodorant your wife wears.

It’s absolute insanity that you marginal athletes have somehow held teams hostage for years with your “will they or won’t they show up” bullshit. “Oh fuck guys, we have no goalie tonight. We need to forfeit” Nah. Throw a trashcan in front of the twine. At least that trashcan has a real job on the side, what do you even do in the real world? Deliver newspapers from your fast food littered 1995 Chevy Cavalier that doubles as your studio apartment? What respectable establishment would employ you sub-humans? Carl’s JR?

You’re not weird, you’re a medical oddity. A neurologists next Porsche. This is you, forever.

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