Last night I was traveling back home to Oklahoma to visit my parents from snowy Calgary, Alberta. I travel so much these days (humble brag) that I’m running out of things to download and watch on Netflix. It’s come to the point where I’m having to re-watch old movies and tv shows. Not a big deal because I could watch The Office and Family Guy over and over. As I was deciding what season of those two shows I was going to download for the flight, Netflix suggested I watch 8 Mile. I saw it was available for download and since A.I. is a big deal now I decided technology knows best and downloaded it.

I was in high school in the late 90’s when the real slim shady found his voice. So it was nice reminiscing about my high school days 35,000 ft in the air.

PS – no free promo but Delta made me feel like a rap God on this journey…

If any of you are losers and have never watched 8 Mile allow me to recap. It’s a semi-autobiographical film of Eminem’s rise to rap superstardom. It starts with B. Rabbit (Eminem) bombing a rap battle while having heavy arms after eating mom’s spaghetti while wearing a vomit covered sweater. Eventually he finds his way, fucks Brittany Murphy, and “destroys” the Free World rap crew. It’s a really motivational movie and almost made me become a rapper instead of a world renowned hockey podcaster.

 

 

B-Rabbit literally kills Papa Doc in the final rap battle with these lyrics:
“This guy’s a gangster? His real name’s Clarence

And Clarence lives at home with both parents

And Clarence’s parents have a real good marriage”

Clarence isn’t a good rap name so now that everyone knew Papa Doc was named Clarence, the jig was up. Clarence could rap battle no more. But here’s the deal – should Eminem have even been in the final battle against “Clarence”? I don’t think so. I think Lotto destroyed Eminem and should have been the one moving on to the final round.

As a white kid from Oklahoma I feel I am uniquely qualified to explain to you how rap battles work.  I have never seen a real rap battle, but I’ve been in many Tweefs (twitter beefs) and lots of on ice chirp fests so I am qualified expert in these things. Rappers square off head to head in timed freestyle raps aimed at dissing their opponent. Usually the crowd chooses a winner by round of applause.

So B-rabbit had to battle through 2 other free world rappers before he could destroy “Clarence” by dissing him for the fact that he actually had good parents that cared enough about his education to send him to private school. What pieces of shit eh? The first battle was B-Rabbit vs Lickety Split.  Rabbit basically won this battle on the opening line “This guy raps like his parents jerked him”.  BOOM… OVER… ROASTED. 

However, he then pulled his ass out and mooned the crowd to ensure he would move on to face the next rapper, Lotto…. that really beat him but Hollywood had to stick its nose into things like it always does.

 

 

If you really think Eminem beat Lotto in this rap battle then you obviously don’t understand trash talk. How the fuck are you gonna give the W to a guy who went into (rap) battle and used this line:

“Blah-badi-boo-blah, bah-badi-bloo-blah!”? 

The only mistake Lotto made in his set was taking off his hoodie and rapping in his wife beater, that might have been a smidge too small. I get it, tomorrow was probably laundry day and the smidge smaller tank was all he had left. Who wants to go to battle not looking and feeling fresh? Pretty much Eminem’s whole diss centered around this tank top. Pretty wack if you ask me?

“Is that a tank-top or a new bra?
Look! Snoop Dogg just got a fuckin’ boobjob”

And 

“Tank-top screamin’, “Lotto, I don’t fit you!”

The best lineEm spit was 

“My motto: Fuck Lotto!

I get the seven digits from your mother for a dollar tomorrow.”

Pretty good but by the rules of rap battle this shouldn’t have been allowed to count. It was clear that Em’s time had run out but  because his best friend, Future, was the judge this dagger was allowed to stand. Which also happened in the final too. Now that I think about it… this whole battle seemed rigged in the first place.

 

 

All in all it was pretty clear that Eminem lost the 2nd battle to Lotto. It should have been Lotto battling Papa Doc in the final. Pretty shady that Future threw the competition to help his friend. Who knows what Papa Doc’s career or the Free World could have been had he not been embarrassed by fake finalist Eminem. Papa Doc might have been the current Rap God.

All this talk of rap battling makes me want to host one… well maybe not a rap battle. We should host a beer league chirp-off to find the best beer league trash talkers. Do you think you have what it takes? Come @ me bro…. or maybe just tweet us. 

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