Goalies are a weird bunch. We are full of superstitions, rituals, and foul-mouthed/foul-mannered odd behaviors. As an ice hockey, lacrosse, and hurling goalie (in addition to being a place kicker), I am totally comfortable saying that. If you piss us off, it only gets worse. And if you really piss us off, our game might go in the tank and we’ll stink up the joint. You NEED us at our best between the pipes. So, here are the top 10 things to avoid so you don’t piss off YOUR goalie.

  1. Pulling us when it’s not our fault

Look, we know that sometimes the team in front of us needs a kick in the pants… But now half the crowd thinks that we are the reason the team is getting blown out.

  1. Not shooting hard enough in practice

C’mon dude… I’m trying to get better here. I know you’re hung over, but your poor life choices are not my fault. Suck it up!

 

  1. Shooting too hard/head hunting in warmups

Where the fuck was this shit during practice! Wednesday night you can’t hit the broad side of a barn with a shot so slow that it won’t register on a radar gun, and now all of the sudden you’re Ovechkin… From the top of the dots… On the power play. It’s pre-game, man. If you injure me in warmups, who’s gonna play in goal..? You..? **insert laugh**

  1. Not sticking up for us when play gets physical

You shove your guy in the back and he plows into me. Now he and I are scrapping, and you’re just gonna stand there like this wasn’t your fault?  Thanks, buddy. Also, I’m your teammate. Even if I started this scrum on my own, you are contractually obligated to bail my dumb ass out of a fight I can’t finish. That’s what good teammates do.

 

  1. F**king with our pre-game rituals

Don’t mess with them. Not when I am getting dressed, not when I am stretching out. Not when I am warming up, not when I just mill about. These are my rituals, can’t you see… DO NOT FUCK WITH THEM – now let me be!

  1. Yelling at us when we make a bad play

Yes, you are correct. I made a great save only to commit a turnover and allow the other team an even easier goal. Also, yelling at us after we make a bad play helps us feel better quicker, and get over the mistake sooner. You’re a fucking genius, Sigmund Freud!

 

  1. Telling us to “relax” or “calm down”

I don’t even know where to start with this one. If we are on the verge of smashing our stick over the crossbar, words aren’t gonna help. If you really want to help, put your arm around us or pat us on the butt or something.

 

  1. Not listening to us as we communicate to you

If we’re yelling at you, it’s not because we enjoy yelling (well, some of us do). We’re yelling at you because your man has gotten away from you and is drifting towards the goal, and we’re tired of getting lit up on breakaways. Also, we love hearing afterward that you don’t listen to us because you’ve been playing longer and know more about the sport than we do. Apparently, the longer you play, the more eyes you can grow in the back of your head. Tell me again why your man was wide open?

  1. Telling us how to play our position

We don’t mind little bits of encouragement like telling us to “come off the goal line faster next time”. There are some things we might not see as a play develops. We don’t have eyes in the back of our heads, either. But if you come into my crease and start telling me how my angles are wrong, and my stick position is wrong, and start talking to me about technique… Oh man. Even if you are a former goalie and know what you are talking about, the middle of a game is not the time to tear our game apart and try to rebuild it.

 

  1. Deflecting a shot into your own net

I understand that you want to win. And there have been plenty of times where I was out of position and someone saved my ass by stopping a goal. But I’ve also had plenty of times where I was going to make a routine save and all of the sudden it’s in the back of my net. I’m not talking about a deflection when you are legitimately trying to block a shot or just a bit of bad luck. I’m talking about a dribbler of a shot that my Grandmother could stop. Then you come diving in from 10 feet away trying to play hero, and tip it just out of my reach. Hey, Captain America! Leave the Superman shit to someone else. But if you do happen to tip one past me whilst trying to be a hero, please come tell me afterward how my angle was wrong and I need to calm down. I’d fucking love that.

What are some rules we missed, goalies? Let us know in the comments!

We also have some rules for new players too. Check them out here, and see if there are any we missed.

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