Not to brag, but I’ve scored a lot of goals in my illustrious hockey career. All kinds of goals. Breakaways, one-timers, on rebounds, with sick dangles, bardownski, tore up from the floor up (huh?), with a distinct kicking motion that the ref was too lazy to call despite the vigorous protestations from the keeper.
You get the point.
But like any true beer leaguer – it’s the goals I didn’t score that keep me up at night. I can score a hat-trick with a couple of apples and I’ll still toss and turn thinking about the post I smoked on a breakaway in the third period of a 6-1 game (we call this foreshadowing).
The goalie on one of my teams is a real asshole (actually he’s the sweetest guy ever). He posts up two go-pro’s at each end of the ice and edits the footage together after each game for the boys to watch the highlights. It’s a real shitty move, cause we’re beer leaguers and we’re not that good so mostly the videos contain 20-30 minutes of god-awful hockey with a few fights and weak goals for good measure.
Sometimes mixed into the footage you find a real kick in the balls. Like this absolute beauty of me smoking the post on a breakaway when the keeper was begging me to go backhand 5 hole.
Looking pretty good here. Puck in a shooting position but not too far from the body where I couldn’t pull it across to the back hand. Look at the goalie cheating glove side. He has me read. He knows I’m a cocky son of a bitch and I want to beat him clean.
Opening up for the shot:
At this point I’m loading up for the shot. It would be hard to bail out without losing an edge too much, but maybe if I anchor my left foot I can pull it across and still beat him easy. The goalie has fully committed. God I’m so stupid.
Annnnnndddddd there’s me hitting the outside of the post like an absolute chump. I’m the worst.
If you listen to the audio in the video, you can clearly hear the puck hit the post, and then whatever I had left of a soul leave my body. It’s not wasting itself on this mortal flesh (23:25 is where the breakaway starts).
I’ve watched the .gif of this shot probably a thousand times. Every time I yell at the computer “GO BACKHAND YOU FUCKING PLUG,” but I never do. Every time I try to beat him glove side. Every time I hit the post.
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January 14, 2019