This 31-part series chronicles why each team is going to be trash in the 2018-2019 NHL season. Progressing alphabetically, three teams will be featured weekly during the off-season. A compendium 31-part series will be published by Hockey Doc (@RealHockeyDoc) on on why your team is good in the 2018-2019 NHL season. (See that one here)

Check out my overview of why other teams will be trash

Check out why the Coyotes Will be Good

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Wow, this one’s going to be so easy I’m not even going to take pleasure in roasting the fuck out of the Arizona Coyotes.  Just kidding you know I fucking am.

The Arizona Coyotes were originally the Winnipeg Jets of the ole World Hockey Association, you know, before one league had a strangle hold on all the competitive teams and players like all sports in North America today.  The Jets were actually dominant as fuck in the WHA winning the Avco World Trophy 3 times and making the finals 5 times in the 7 season history of the league.

AAAAAAnd that’s about where the “success” of the Arizona Coyotes ends…and they weren’t even the Arizona Coyotes…or in the NHL.

The Coyotes have been in the league since 1996 first known as the “Phoenix” Coyotes and now the “Arizona” Coyotes.  If you look at the details of why the team was rebranded in 2009, you’ll probably just get a headache so let me break it down for you:  they were so bad and in Phoenix.  First owner filed bankruptcy, NHL ended up owning them, after many millions of dollars in bailout money forked over by the city, new owners were found and now they’re the brand new Arizona Coyotes with the same old shitty team.

Now, unfortunately, the Coyotes are again a team moving towards the edge as current owner Andrew Barroway is trying to sell 49% of the team for $500 million.  By most accounts that is a seriously overblown price and probably not a final sales price for a team that has lost $45 million per year for the last 5 years.

An identity-less team who has never enjoyed success is about as accurate description as there is for the Arizona Coyotes.  Since 1996 the Coyotes have made the playoffs 8 times and have even been past the first round (once) in 2012.  They made it all the way to the Conference Finals before getting destroyed in 5 games by the Kings.  Waa Waa Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

“A team has no name”

Today they have a 29 year old GM who’s name I’m still uncertain on how to pronounce.  Is it chay-ka or chak-ya or chay-ya-kaych-chchchc-yaya?  Whatever, fuck that guy.  If they were just going to randomly choose guys between the age of 25-35 to GM the Yotes why the FUCK wasn’t I called!?  I can swing my dick around randomly and make moves for the next 8 years for you guys!  I mean fuck, I’ll even take 80% of this shit heads salary.  Sorry, I digress.  This guy is supposedly super stat heavy and I imagine him sitting in an crazy expensive modern chair, in an all white room, in front of 10 screens, fingertips touching, in silence, motionless…until something comes across the screens and he screams: “TAKE HOSSA’S CONTRACT FOR HINOSTROZA AND OESTERLE!!!  WE’LL SEND 3 PROSPECTS AND HAGGLE ON DRAFT PICKS!!!”

Ya know, I was gonna shit more on the off season moves that the Coyotes made but really, they’re so bad any move at this point is good.  At least they have somewhat experienced coach Rich Tocchet behind the bench and when I say “experienced” I mean “can run an illegal gambling ring”.  He has a stable of talented centers to mold into a championship team, amirite?  Derek Stepan C1 followed by a Dylan Strome C2…that is about as hard a 1-2 punch as a middle school pillow fight.  I guess they’re going to rely on the wingers to drive play and carry the team to the Cup…which has worked for almost zero teams in the NHL.

I think the biggest shit stain that the Yotes have is their fan base…or lack thereof.  Tell me, have you ever met a true Zona fan?  Like one that liked them back in 1996 and still does?  If so, kick them in the balls for not making it a full time job to keep the team in their town.  I mean the team is again taking bids for new ownership…its switching hands faster than the resident puck bunny!  And don’t tell me “it’s because they’re no good”, real fans don’t need their team to be winning to enjoy the process!  Just ask Sabres fans.

Proponents of this team, and I use proponents loosely because obviously there aren’t any Arizona fans, will say “Arizona’s on the up!” and “they made some decent moves in the offseason!” but that’s really just false hope.  Until a coach/management can instill a legitimate identity into this club AND get asses in seats (buy season tickets you dumb cunts in and around Phoenix) it’s just going to be more of the same old Coyotes:  roadkill under the tires of the rest of the Western Conference.

That’s why the Arizona Coyotes are trash this year.

Check out my overview of why other teams will be trash

Check out why the Coyotes Will be Good

Check out our podcasts