I've got a blank space, baby. And I'll chirp your name

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Very important and very pretentious
When I look back I might be mad that I gave this attention
Yeah, but it’s weighin’ heavy on my conscience
Yeah, and fuck, you left the boy no options

Oh boy. Here comes Greasy Goal Gang Nick. Riding in on his Tempur-Pedic foam goalie pads.

I’m half convinced the only reason he cares about you sensitive tendys is the hope that maybe someday you’ll pity play him and let him slip one in your five-hole. It’s the only way he’s ever going to score. Shooters shoot, goalies have abandonment issues.

But I want to thank you Simple Jack’s for proving my original point. You showed exactly why I wrote what I did, and in doing so you made it so easy for me to write this follow-up. I had faith in you guys. I did. I had faith you would get the joke. That faith was left unrewarded and here we are. Now I have to come back turning my trigger fingers into chirping fingers.

SO! Let’s break the one rule of the internet and dive HEADFIRST into the comment section to see how you all are handling a masterful piece of satire (NOT WELL):

Good call, Rod. I’m jealous of a group of people so maligned that every portrayal of them in film is that of less a socially adept Rain Man.

Ok this one was kind of good. Tell your mother I miss her.

Tyler. TYLER. Put down the Parliament Lights and think about what you just said. If I played anything like most beer league goalies I would spend 30 minutes of a 60 minute game lying down on pads that are probably softer than your pee-stained box spring mattress. If I’m sore it’s because I slept the wrong way and have a kink in my neck.

DID YOU EVEN READ THE ARTICLE McWADE? THE SHOOTER TUTOR. THE SHOOTER TUTOR WILL STOP THE PUCK. But thanks for the pretty boy comment? I’ve been going to a new barber lately. Glad it’s paying off.

No. This was a serious and informative piece.

Your pop-culture references are outdated and you should delete your account.

Seriously. There goes my hopes of ever writing for the New York Times.

Did I just get chirped by a washed up 80’s hair metal band singer, or Roberto Luongo’s less talented cousin?


Here’s some advice Jon Bon – if you’re going to clap back at a certified sniper like me, you better not have a picture like this lurking in your past:

Head shot.


Goalies – lighten up a bit. Learn when someone is taking the piss out of you. Show some improvement and maybe next year we’ll even invite you to our family holiday party (just stay away from our livestock).