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Thursday night I was having a conversation with
Benedict Arnold Nick from Beer League Talk on Facebook Messenger while getting ready for my mens league hockey game. We were talking business stuff for the site that was kind of important, but the Z was just about done scraping the ice and I had to go. Wanting to end the conversation on a cheeky, yet positive note I sent him the following:
A few things here.
- Note the time. It was 10:34pm on a Thursday. I wake up around 5:00am for my work day. At this point I had been up 17 hours and was about to play a game.
- NOT A GREAT ANGLE. I grew up in the MySpace era. I know about “the angles.” But do you how hard it is to take a good selfie in a locker room without getting chirped? “Say hi to your mom for me.” “Is that for your Grindr profile?” “Your contouring is all fucked up.” It’s embarrassing.
- The lighting was shit in there.
- You know what? Fuck you.
Nick – being the real asshole that he is posted that image to the @beerleaguetalk twitter account, chirping my last blog and the helmet/visor combo. What has followed since is 24 hours of equipment shaming by a bunch of people with 34 followers on Twitter, half of them being porn-bots.
Listen you nobodies. Just because your face already looks like Chris Farley’s decaying asshole, and your teeth like Indian Corn rotted from years of meth use doesn’t mean I want mine to look the same. I am a handsome man, and as such – I’m going to have greater opportunities presented to me in life than you uggos. I’m not catching a stick in the chicklets from one of you primates who can barely stay on your skates and potentially ruin the great things my good looks will provide me access to in the future.
Not to mention – this helmet was worn by Ryan McDonagh in the 2009 WJC’s (shouts to my younger brother for getting me it for XMas). You think I’m going to take equipment advice from a bunch of people who couldn’t even afford to BUY a ticket to the WJC’s, never mind play in them? Fuck no. The day I start taking advice from you chumps is the day I give up and suck start a shotgun out of shame.
Finally – that was a bad picture. One taken quickly without considering that Nick WOULD COMPLETELY SELL ME OUT IN THE NAME OF CONTENT. Look at any other picture of me wearing this thing. I look like a cross between Ryan Gosling and a non-playoff choking Tyler Seguin. Girls want to be with me. Guys want to be with me too.
Look at me. I’m not even a snack. I’m a full fucking meal.
Meanwhile. Nick is over here wearing a set-up that makes it look like he should be wearing Balance Blades to go along with that full Hank Hill grill.
So keep this in mind going forward. If you’re going to chirp at the king, you best not miss. And if you’re coming at me because of the helmet I’m wearing…
Hey Nick, how you doing out on the ice these days?