A Defense of Dangling

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Ok boys (and lllllaaaayyyyydddddiiiieeeeeesssssss). Time to get serious.

I saw Nick’s blog when I woke up this morning and it really put a bee under my bonnet. I knew I had to chirp back immediately lest this sin go uncovered. I know it comes across like Nick is a real beauty by trying to shine a light on “greasy guys/goals” but there’s something deeper and darker going on here. By objectifying some plug taking a biscuit off the dome for a goal what he’s really doing is dangle shaming.

You heard me. Dangle shaming.

Nick says in his blog AND I QUOTE:

Us grinders have to muck it up in the corners and go to the tough areas to even get an opportunity to tickle the twine.

OH FUCKING EXCUSE ME. :jerk off motion:

You know how much work and effort it takes to properly learn how to pull off the Kuch? You think those hands got silky smooth by sitting around and playing five-on one all day (that’s a masturbation joke kids, think about it)?  Those talents aren’t god given, son. They require a skill and a dedication to craft that vastly exceeds the ability to “play tough in the corners” and “take a puck directly off the skull while falling on the ice.”

AND BY ACTING LIKE GREASY GOALS ARE SOMEHOW MORE EARNED you are shaming those who dangle and insinuating they somehow didn’t have to work as hard to light that lamp like a Christmas tree in New York City.

“Greasy goals” are like rice. They serve a purpose. Sure, they might make up most of the goals that are scored on any given night, and act as the most important human food crop in the world, directly feeding more people than any other crop. But no one goes home at the end of a good meal and says “YOU KNOW WHAT SWEETIE, THAT RICE WAS EXCEPTIONAL TONIGHT.” No, they go home and tell their kids about the time Patrick Laine took a giant porter house steak and slapped an entire team right in the face with it as he went backhand toe drag through the D for a top-titties game winner.

So, Nick. Instead of handing out participation trophies to every Conor Garland out there for having a head so big that it has its’ own gravitational pull – let’s remember who the real grinders are out there. The guys cherry picking and trying the Datsyuk 8 million times in a C league game on a Sunday night at 11:43pm.