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Goalies are mercurial, odd. It’s a necessary trait for the brain to make abnormal constructs to function in a game that requires you to throw yourself in front of an oncoming projectile willingly, defying your body’s instinct to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!

Those who love goalies are a SPECIAL group of saints…I mean orderlies…shit, I mean unlicensed therapists. It takes a lot to understand and deal with what goalies are, and even more to maintain healthy relationships with them.

Our mothers are nervous wrecks when we’re younger. We’re often the cause of our mom having grey hair and fighting the other teams’ parent’s mom. Highschool girlfriend’s kind of get it but are more there for the social boost dating a goalie gets them, so they soldier through until a spot with a forward becomes available. College is usually barren, and you only have your goalie partner to play Chel with and drool over new gear you design, but don’t have the money to purchase. Also, to talk about how sick of a game you played the previous weekend.

Then you get to real life and you meet a girl who likes you (HOLY SHIT she actually likes me!). She asks you questions about goal tending and loves your stories. She comes to your 11:20pm MENS LEAGUE GAMES. She even pretends to enjoy sex with you even though she knows all you’re thinking about is that 2 on 0 goal you let up earlier in the night. She listens to you whine about how your defense is a bunch of pylons and you’re the only reason your team doesn’t get blown out by double digits even though you lost last week 8-1 (Babe, I swear it’s only a matter of time before the B team calls me to play).

She was even happy for you the day you bought your first set of matching pads (She’s not happy about the pads dickweed she’s happy you’re happy). She’d rather you do something constructive like fix whatever has made the check engine light stay on in the car for the last 2 months, but NO you needed fresh pads because your old ones were making you play sub-par. So you got your dream set with all the bells and whistles you even got your name embroidered on them. You took pictures in them (Embarrassing). You even convinced her to take a pic just for you pretending to wear them in her undies.

Then you went and did it, you just had to cheat…You found a girl who ACTUALLY liked you and was willing to put up with all the tons of baggage that comes with dating a goalie and YOU BLEW IT!! What’s wrong man? Did all the saves you were making in BEER LEAGUE go to your head?! Was the press and attention too much? Guess it was hard when you’re the away team, roadies right? Having to use on the away bench AT THE SAME FUCKING RINK YOU ALWAYS PLAY IN!?

But ladies and gentlemen there is justice, and the internet is a beautiful thing. This girl did not go gently into that sweet night. NO NO! She became a LEGEND! She hit that guy right where it would hurt the most. His pads….

I give you EXHIBIT A!