(Couple of sweet hair pieces right there)
With football season at a close, we are full swing into the “Every other sport sucks, let’s stretch out some football storylines for a couple of months” period. Since the Super Bowl, in which my New England Patriots and personal savior and primary payer on my mortgage, Tom Brady, played a fairly uneventful game, expect random story lines that go nowhere to be brought up constantly by people at the mothership and from the stretched out and stapled nutsack Colin Cowheard. Prime candidate for stretched out story line Number #1 with a bullet: Colin Kaepernick
For those of you living under a rock for the past several years, Colin Kaepernick was a quarterback for the 49ers who began protesting the treatment of African American’s by sitting during the National Anthem. Prior to all of this, he led the team to the Super Bowl in 2012, losing to the Ravens, and the NFC Championship game in 2013, losing to the eventual champion Seahawks.
In all of those years, Kaepernick had fairly decent stats, certainly better than anything Nathan Peterman has done. He won games, along with a talented offensive corps that featured Frank Gore’s giant balls in their prime, Randy Moss/Anquan Boldin, Ted Ginn Jr., Michael Crabtree, Vernon Davis and Delanie Walker. The defense was great and reminiscent of classic 49ers defenses.
Then something happened in San Francisco (or “the City” as locals call it). Jim Harbaugh left for the University of Michigan, Jim Tomsula became the coach, followed by Chip Kelly. For the record, Chip Kelly is a bad coach. How bad is he? He named Blaine Gabbert the starting quarterback. I don’t care what practice or traits show you, if you have eyes and more brain cells than it takes to go to the University of Oregon, you know that giving Blaine “The Main Vein” Gabbert the starting job on purpose is probably the stupidest fucking thing you can do.
Blaine Gabbert, For Your Consideration
Amidst the one year Chip Kelly era, Colin sat down during the national anthem (something Marshawn Lynch, media darling, has done his entire career). After sparking the single largest shit storm your Facebook page has ever seen, personal friend, former Green Beret and Texas Longhorn Nate Boyer met with him and the brokered a peace: kneel. Taking a knee is something that is common in the military and on football teams. Also, when was the last time your fat fucking ass stood up for the anthem? Probably never because standing up is the pits.
Everyone freaked out, people said they’d stop watching the NFL, your vaguely racist family members call him or thug and wear shirts like this:
(YEAH! This will show them)
Since then Colin has been blackballed by NFL. Yes, the NFL has indeed conspired against him, although not in a traditional sense. Due to the coverage, signing him would be a PR nightmare in a similar way to signing Tim Tebow is. But Kaepernick and Tebow are different. One is a Quarterback and Tebow is a baseball player. Is Colin Kapernick capable of starting or backing up an NFL team? Personally, based on empirical evidence: yes. Here is a list of QB’s that have started in the NFL while Kaepernick remains sidelined: Nathan Peterman, Blaine Gabbert (several teams), Ryan Tannehill, Jameis Winston, Eli Manning, DeShone Kizer, Trevor Siemian, Paxton Lynch, Brock Osweiler, Scott Tolzien, Bryce Petty, Landry Jones, Matter Barkley, Christian Hackenberg, I don’t know if any of these quarterbacks had better stats for them but I do know one thing: I watched them play shortly before considering bleaching my eyeballs.
You know who doesn’t want Kaepernick in the NFL? People on your Facebook page, and when was the last time you agreed with any of them? Personally, I don’t give a fuck about the National Anthem before football games. Sit, stand, do jumping jacks, whatever. If you’re sitting at home, don’t give NFL players shit. If you’re standing at home, I hope you tear an achilles standing up for the anthem. Unfortunately, Kaepernick will never get another job in the NFL and that’s a shame because instead we get Nathan Peterman throwing five picks in one game.
And that’s it. Our long sports media run of discussing Colin Kaepernick and the NFL is over. Wow, feels good to finally end it for everyone. Also, if I’m Kaepernick’s lawyers against the NFL, I’m literally just walking up to the jury, putting in the All 22 of Nathan Peterman, then resting my case and winning a multi-million dollar case against the league.