Why The Chicago Blackhawks Suck Balls

Jay Davidson – @BLTJay

The Chicago Blackhawks have been one of the most dominant franchises over the past 10 seasons, winning 3 Stanley Cups in that time. But since winning the Cup in 2015, the Blackhawks haven’t won a playoff series, got swept in the first round last year, and are now all but mathematically eliminated from the 2018 playoffs. A fall from grace, indeed.

So what’s wrong with the Blackhawks? They still have Toews, Kane, and Keith (3 of the top 100 greatest players of all time according to the NHL), the biggest pieces of their core during the dynasty years. They also still have Joel Quenneville behind the bench, who has been there all along… so something does not add up. That’s why the smart minds at Beer League Talk decided to take a closer look at one of the biggest disappointments of this NHL season.

1. Captain Serious is too serious

C’mon Jonathan, could you at least smile a little? You get to play hockey for a living, and make millions. And you get to bang hot girls, probably. Or dudes. Whatever you’re into, we won’t judge.


The Blackhaws would be better with a more fun captain. Like Captain Crunch. Or Captain Morgan. Hell, even Captain Jack Sparrow would probably be a blast in the dressing room. As all of us beer leaguers know, if your team sucks, the least you can do it have some fun in the dressing room.

2. Joel Quenneville sucks

This guy literally has the 10th most losses for a coach in NHL history. I mean who CARES that he has the 2nd most wins, that is totally arbitrary. Quenneville needs to go. 


P.S. He does have a sick moustache though, so that’s cool

3. They sent down Jeff Glass

C’mon, this dude is an absolute beauty. Living the beer leaguers dream, he just played his first NHL game this year at the age of 32! Rippin around in the minors and the KHL for 20 years, this guy probably thought he would never make it. His dreams finally came true though, and he killed it while the Blackhawks gave him a chance. 

BUT they’re dumb idiots, and put him on waivers last week, which is a total asshole move. And it’s no surprise that the Hawks season has gone to shit since.


4. The players are sick and tired of hearing that stupid fucking song

Since 2009, The Chicago Blackhawks have played Chelsea Dagger by the Fratellis after every home goal. Duh duh duh da da da duh nuh nuh nuh nuuh. You know how it goes. It’s a garbage song. And the players are sick of it. Imagine how many times Toews and Kane and Keith have heard that thing? And now they don’t even want to score anymore – it pains them that much. In fact, the Hawks only scored ONE goal at home in the entire playoffs last year. Coincidence? I think not.

If you want the players to score more goals, play a song they actually like. I imagine they’re into this song? It could be a good fit.